


No I'm

by Varil_Lara



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: 'Probably' meaning obviously, (sorry), Also probably not where Amnesty ends up, But it could be worse, Especially Stern, M/M, Probably a little OOC, This ain't great
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 08:35:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17220533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varil_Lara/pseuds/Varil_Lara
Summary: Barclay and Stern have a talk.





	No I'm

**Author's Note:**

> Me: *writes shitty smutty fanfic about Barclay and Agent Stern*
> 
> Amazing Commenter: this is such a great fic!! i wrote a sequel  
> barclay: stern we can’t do this anymore  
> stern: babe why  
> barclay: because im fucking bigfoot ok  
> stern: ............ no im fucking bigfoot
> 
> Me:

Stern’s felt sweat begins to prickle on his forehead, his heart starting to stutter ever so slightly. This is not what he’d expected.

Barclay had invited him out to the forest on what he’d assumed was a date, but the nervous way the man was pacing told him otherwise. It had been about two months since they’d began their relationship, even if it had been by accident, and it was by far the best thing about this mission to Kepler. Not that he didn’t love his job, it’s what he’d dreamt of, but the investigation was slow and Barclay was…amazing. Charming, funny, easy-going, strange but delightful to be around; not everything Stern originally thought he wanted in a man, but everything he didn’t know he needed. 

Then again, did he even remember what he wanted? It’d been so long since he dated someone; busy with work, busy with life. Bu the stress of everything was always forgotten when he was with Barclay, and Stern had come to realise that it might not only be the best he’d felt whilst in Kepler, but the best he’d felt in years. 

That’s not how he felt right now, however. The rare seriousness on Barclay’s face was causing something thick and acidic to rise in his chest and his finger to twist and wrench at the hem of his jacket. 

“Stern,” Barclay spoke for the first time since they’d left the lodge and his voice wavered around the edges, tinged with not only worry, but sadness and fear as well. 

Stern’s heart plummeted. Every possibility of what this could be about began to race through his mind; each one causing him to panic. Stern pushed them out of his mind in time for a larger, more real possibility to come crashing in, one that he’d neglected to think about for a while; the fact that he was only here temporarily.

As his investigation had begun to go cold, Stern had been comforted by the fact that he wouldn’t be in Kepler forever, that something bigger would come along and he’d be called there. That had been before Barclay though, and now the thought of leaving made his stomach churn and his heart ache. 

It was with some amount of surprise that he found himself thinking that he’d leave the FBI to stay here in Kepler. Which he realised was a ridiculous thought; quitting his job for someone he’d known for only a few months. The fact that he was even considering it was absurd, it just wasn’t an option. It didn’t matter that every moment he spent with Barclay made him feel a way he hadn’t felt in he didn’t know how long, or that he’d found himself laughing more often, or that he wasn’t as stressed as he normally was. Okay, so staying in Kepler might actually be an option. 

Unless Barclay was breaking up with him, which was very much a real possibility considering the current situation. Not that he couldn’t definitely take it. He’d been dumped in the past, even if it had been a while, and it wasn’t like Barclay was the only thing that could make him happy. He had some friends back home, and interests outside of his job, even if he didn’t indulge in them much. 

“Stern,” Barclay repeated, finally stopping his pacing to look at him, “We need to talk,” 

He closed his eyes for a second and took a deep breath, seemingly preparing himself. All the background noise of the forest seemed to fade out to emphasise the moment. Or to signal the approach of something formidable. Either way, Stern’s chest tightened. 

“We can’t keep doing this,”

Stern felt himself shatter. He was wrong, he couldn’t take it. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, knowing damn well exactly what he meant.

“This. Us,” He gestured between them frantically, “It just won’t work. It can’t,”

At that, Stern felt himself crumble more than he thought possible. So, he’d been right, this was about the fact that he would have to leave eventually. He had at least expected that they’d talk about the possibilities, discuss whether or not they thought they could deal with a long-distance relationship. He hadn’t expected for Barclay to just leave him immediately. 

Bile began to rise up the back of his throat. 

“I know, I’ve been thinking about it too,” his voice wasn’t as measured as he’d would’ve liked it to be, “and I’ve been thinking of all the possibilities,”

He watched Barclay for a moment, waiting for his reaction, and was horrified when he saw fear cross his face. 

‘Horrified’ might not have been the right word. He hunted monsters, investigated the unknown, seen some traumatic things, and knew what it truly meant to be ‘horrified’, but this was still damn close. 

“This,” he took a deep breath, “this is about me leaving right? When my investigation ends?”

Barclay's face relaxed. Not much, and if Stern hadn’t been staring so intently, he probably wouldn’t have noticed. Perhaps he’d been wrong and this wasn’t about him leaving after all. The thought made the breath in his lungs fizzle out. 

Taking the fact that Barclay hadn’t replied as a sign to keep talking, he ordered his thoughts, taking a moment to plan his response. He needed to get this right. 

“I know it would be hard, but we could always call each other and-“ 

Wait, shit. This was part of the radio quiet zone.

“Well that is, if you wouldn’t mind driving out to the edge of town, or how ever far, once in a while to talk to me,” He could already hear how ridiculous that sounded; Barclay putting in so much when Stern wouldn’t need to.

“And, I wouldn’t mind-“

Wrong.

“I would love,” he corrected himself, “to come see you every chance I get. Strange things happen all the time in West Virginia, this likely won’t be my last investigation here- not that I need an investigation as an excuse to see you,” he caught himself at the end, “And I don’t know if you ever leave Kepler, but if you did, then we could go places together,” 

It was at that point that Stern realised how desperate he sounded, and god, why was he so desperate? Why was his heart clenched, and his eyes prickling with tears? Two months he reminded himself- it was so short. Too short to be getting so worked up. The thought didn’t help. 

There was a chuckle and Stern’s body loosened- like it did whenever Barclay laughed, or smiled, or whispered something sweet in his ear after a night together. He looked up and saw a smile playing over his lips.

“God, that all sounds wonderful,”

The smile disappeared. 

“But that’s not the reason. If it was, I wouldn’t be worried. It’s because of” he paused, clearly searching for the right words, “It’s your job,” he finished rather bluntly.

It was Sterns turn to laugh.

“What about my job? I promise you I’m not going to suddenly arrest you for no reason, unless you’re a cryptid,” he tried to joke but Barclay’s face only became grimmer.

“If you’re worrying about me getting hurt, then don’t. I know how to handle myself, and I promise you that I won’t die any time soon,” 

He knew that wasn’t something he could guarantee, but it was something he’d been dedicated to even before he met Barclay, this just gave him more motivation. 

“It’s not that,”

Oh.

“I mean, I know you’re more than capable of…whatever it is you do,” Stern couldn’t help but notice a hint of bitterness in his voice, “but…” he trailed off. 

“Then what is it?” Stern’s heart had, by now, plummeted out of his chest and was somewhere far below his feet, “What is it about my job that means we can’t,” he gestured between them, “can’t be us?” 

“It’s because,” Barclay stopped abruptly, clearly catching himself, “It wouldn’t work,” 

He said it so plainly that Stern felt something bubble up inside him. Anger? 

“Why?” his voice shook and he realised his hands were doing the same. 

Barclay shook his head.

“It just wouldn’t,” 

“But why?” 

‘Why? Why?’ Like it was the only damn thing he was capable of saying. God, maybe this was why he hadn’t dated in so long. Maybe this is what he got for starting a relationship with someone even when it was against FBI guidelines. Maybe this is why he shouldn’t have gotten attached so quickly, not when he knew that it couldn’t be permanent. 

“Because you’re an FBI agent who hunts cryptids. I don’t know what else I can say,” 

Barclay’s usual casualness had slipped away completely now, and Stern realised he wasn’t the only one who sounded desperate and nervous. A closer look at him revealed that his eyes were wet and red, as if he was barely holding back tears.

“Is that all?” 

It couldn’t be. That couldn’t be all. He hoped to god that wasn’t all.

“Is that all? I know you’re a bit more of a sceptic, but that shouldn’t matter. I already told you I’d be safe what more-?” He found himself at a loss for words, something that didn’t happen very often. 

“It’s got nothing to do with me being sceptical, or you getting hurt- not that I don’t care about that-“ 

“Then what is it?” Stern cut him off. He found his voice rising and came to the sudden realisation that that thing bubbling inside wasn’t just anger, but fear as well. He wasn’t just angry. He wasn’t just nervous. He was scared. Scared. 

“What is it then?”

Scared of the implications of everything Barclay was saying.

“Is there something you think you can’t tell me? That you’re afraid I’ll find out?”

Scared of all the assumptions he was making.

“Are you worried that I’m not who I say am?”

Scared of what he must think.

“Or, do you just not like me that much?”

Scared of losing him. 

The last one came out an almost pitiful whimper, as opposed to the near screaming he’d been doing for quite some time now. Tears threatened to spill onto his cheeks and he wondered if Barclay could tell. He wondered if Barclay truly felt the same way. He wasn’t even looking at Stern. 

“It’s not any of those. Well, it is one of them, but- “Barclay stopped himself, fingers playing with the bracelet around his wrist. 

“Which one?” He demanded, “If you’re going to break up with me you could at least give me a good reason. You could at least let me know why. I deserve to fucking know why,” 

Stern could hear his voice rising again. 

“Why?”

Barclay didn’t answer.

“Tell me,” he practically screamed and this time, Barclay screamed back.

“Fine, fine” he turned to face Stern, stance defiant, fingers curled around his bracelet, “you wanna know why? Here’s why,”

He ripped the bracelet from his arm. 

Stern couldn’t exactly process what happened next. Barclay had disappeared and in his place stood the unmistakable form of Bigfoot. 

Stumbling back slightly, Stern stared up at the beast in front of him. He reached for a weapon, only to remember that he’d left them all at the lodge. He continued to back away, confused when it only stood there, looking somewhat hurt. It opened its mouth. 

“It’s because I’m fucking Bigfoot, alright,” 

It sounded a lot like Barclay.

Oh.

The realisation hit him so hard he found himself falling back onto his arse, looking up at the creature looming over him. His mind attempted to make sense of the situation, of everything he just saw, or at least think of something to say.

Instead, he found himself saying;

“No, I’m fucking Bigfoot,” 

If his mouth wasn’t already hanging open, it was now. 

The Bigfoot- Barclay- laughed that recognisable, heart-stopping laugh.

“Channel your inner Aubrey on that one?” he asked. 

The bracelet was picked up of the ground and slid back around his wrist and, just like that, Barclay was standing in front of him again.

Barclay was Bigfoot. Bigfoot was Barclay. He- Agent Stern, monster hunter, investigator of the unknown- was dating Bigfoot. He was dating the thing, the person, he was meant to be hunting. 

“So, uh, you okay?” 

Barclay shifted his weight from foot to foot, looking just about ready to bolt at any second. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for him to be around Stern without being terrified for his life every moment. He couldn’t imagine how he’d been willing to risk everything like that, just to spend time with him. 

Looking up at Barclay right then, thinking about all their time together, he thought that, actually, maybe he could. 

“I’m not going to fight you, or arrest you,” 

Barclay’s facial expression shifted to one of surprise and Stern couldn’t blame him, he was surprised too. He was even more surprised by how much he meant it.  
Barclay sits down next to him, throwing an over his shoulder.

“This-this doesn’t change anything?” 

The fact that he was sitting next to Stern, even though it could end badly for him, did things to Stern’s heart that he didn’t even know were possible. 

“Of course this changes things, but I’m not leaving you, and I’m not gonna hurt you. I need time to think, and we need time to talk, but I’m not leaving,” he sounded so sure. He felt so sure. 

“Do you wanna talk now or later?” Barclay asked, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

“Now, but not about everything, just,” 

What did he want to know?

“What are you doing in Kepler?” he decided was a good first question.

Barclay grinned and Stern’s heart skipped a beat. Oh yeah, he definitely wasn’t leaving.

“Well, actually it’s not so different from what you’re doing here,” 

His smile widened. 

“Monster hunting,”

**Author's Note:**

> Someone posted an amazing comment on my other shitty fic and it inspired me to write this. It was originally meant to be just complete crack, but I got a tad serious. Was still able to get the original joke in though, so...
> 
> Also, this might become a mini-series; this at the end, shitty porn in the middle, and something at the beginning.


End file.
